First of all, this issue is not silly. Not in the slightest. It's a very big and very real problem for you, and maybe you should acknowledge it as such, instead of shooting yourself down like that, yeah? It doesn't matter what this is compared to the "usual stuff" - it's causing you hurt and upset and needs dealt with just as much as the other stuff. Now, as for the problems. Know what I think? You can't make that love stay. In a relationship, regardless of how long you've been together or past events, no one can really make the love stay. Love is a feeling, and take comfort in that he does love you in the here and now, and that should be enough for you. Who knows what tomorrow will bring, but right now, in the here and now, he's ok - he loves you, he wants to be with you. You can question it all you want, but it won't actually get you anywhere. You have to take him at his word, unless he gives you any reason not to do so. Take comfort in that, right now, breaking up with you is the last thing he wants to do. Arguments will be hard, sure they will, and it'll be really hard for you both knowing that you're having a difficult time trusting him. That's ok though. That's just another hurdle you're both going to have to get over in this relationship, yeah? It's going to take a long time and there will probably be a lot of ups and downs, but if you work hard at it, I see no reason why, eventually, you'll find yourself trusting him enough, y'know?
I think it's the trust issue that's making you feel like this, hmm? As I said though, trust is only built through time. Huge amounts of time, too, if a person's gone through something like you have. You mentioned that you have a psychiatrist, which I think is great. I also think that the more you deal with what happened with your ex boyfriend - as it becomes part of your past and as you heal emotionally, well, the trust might come a little easier to you. That's just a personal opinion I have though, and here's hoping I'm right, eh? Other than that, building up that trust with your current boyfriend is something I actually think you're doing ok with. I mean, you trust him enough to even be in a relationship with him. That takes a certain amount of trust and, quite clearly, you have it. You've shared your past with him, and that also takes a certain amount of trust. What I'm saying is, you should maybe also try looking at the positive sides to your relationship concerning trust. You DO trust him a wee bit, don't you think? Now you've just got to build on and work that trust up.
Being honest with him is something I think is pretty important, to be honest. It might be scary and it might be difficult, but sharing things with him will show him that you trust him enough to do so. The cutting is what I'm talking about, mainly. If you're not yet in a place where you can quit cutting and if you're not quite ready to really move on from that then I do understand (and I won't give you a lecture about quitting. You can't do it until you're ready). However, hiding it from your boyfriend isn't really helping the relationship now, is it? In fact, I reckon it'll give him reason to think, on top of everything else, that you don't trust him and that'll probably upset him quite a bit. You can probably understand why he was angry with you, hmm? It's not that you're cutting; it's just that he feels you don't even trust him enough to share this pain with him. And, quite clearly, he wants you to share that kind of stuff with him. It's ok for you to explain that you can't stop just yet, but hiding it from him isn't helping anyway. It might be a huge step for you to take - be real with him about how you express your pain - but hey, it might really be a step in the right direction.
I wish it was easier for you to build that trust up, you know. It's so unfortunate that all of this happened, but the fact is that you are having a difficult time trusting, and it sounds like he's accepted that. I mean, if he hadn't, he wouldn't still be around, would he? Maybe you should have a chat with him. Clear the air a little, perhaps. What do you think? Just explaining how you're feeling about the relationship as a whole, about the trust, about the cutting. I know that might be really difficult to do, but I also think it'd be a step in the right direction, particularly in terms of the trust and all that. One question - why do you get afraid of him sometimes? Is it things he does, do certain things remind you of your ex boyfriend, or...? Either way, I also think having a chat about that could be somewhat beneficial. If he does things that scare you or whatever, well, telling him that might help him take a look at his own behaviour and you can both work together to help you. Trust is a funny thing, really. Sometimes we have to really push ourselves and do things we're afraid of, at the risk of getting hurt. Sometimes it's the only way to know if we CAN trust someone.
Love, stick at it, yeah? You've got a psychiatrist, and you're working hard at this relationship. That takes a huge amount of effort and, well, strength. I think you're doing a really admirable job, so don't be too hard on yourself. You're doing your absolute very best and that's all any of us can do in life.
Take care of yourself, lovely. My inbox is always open to you should you need anything at all. Chin up.
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