First of all, im really sorry that things did not go well for you throughout school. Having parents get divorced can be rough, especially if your Father was also taking you to meet his mistress. It doesnt help that he also has Bipolar disorder, which can be hard to deal with in a family member. That being said, as Nikki said, you seem like a really good and intelligent person. You have made a few mistakes, but you are still a good person. That is something to be admired, and im glad that you have been making it so far. Being bisexual can also be tough and im sorry that you cannot be open about it. i wish you could be, but i guess to be realistic, you cant until you are elected. im also sorry that you suffer from Social Anxiety Disorder. As Nikki said, this might be something you want to see a counselor for, and you might even know something since im guessing your Father has been seeing some. i know a bit about what they do for it, but i will put that later in this response. You also said that your passion is in buisness, but your family wants you to be a lawyer. im sorry that it is like that, and i do not think you should let them pressure you into being something you do not want to be. Being a lawyer is a demanding job and if you are not happy in it, then it is not for you. If buisness is your passion, then you should go for it. That being said, you can compromise and go into buisness law. Many buisness firms need people who are trained in buisness and in law and that is something you can look into. It would also be helpful to be familiar in both when going into politics. As for your loss of faith, i cant say i blame you though because faith is hard to keep believing in, but i guess that is why they call it faith. Its a leap into a bottemless gorge with no evidence of something being there to save you and leaping anyways with the hope of being saved. As for fearing Death, in some ways that is a good thing because it means that you value your life and are brave enough to live it. When you need to come to terms with Death, which is hopefully decades from now, im sure you will find what you are looking for in terms of the question what happens after Death. As for having extremes of the good side and bad side, that can in part be due to surpressing emotions. Most people who are good people, as you are, have a bad side that results from emotions due to observing others being mean or taking advantage of them or other such things. When you bottle up these emotions, as many good people do, they build up and eventually you burst. You have to make sure you let out and express as many negative emotions as are added, otherwise you will burst in one shot. i do not knwo for sure, but this in part might be what caused you to fight with your Friend too.  

im glad that you have never attempted suicide, and that you have had the strength to keep living. im sorry that you had nights where you would be overwhelmed and would cry and cry, but in some sense those were good because they let out your emotions, which is a vital thing to do.

im also very glad that you got to meet this girl. It sounds like she was very good for you because she gave you an outlet and more importantly, of course, a Friend. Having someone that you can be open with is good because it allows you to express and be yourself, which is something you clearly need. It is quite understandable then that you fell for her. im also glad that she let you down easy because it shows that she was interested in keeping your Friendship. im truly sorry that you guys got into a fight. i know you tried to apologize to her already, but when you did, she was also likely feeling badly. i know it is tough, but now that it has had time to rest a bit you might be able to apologize, and she is more likely to be willing to accept it. i think when doing it you also need to be a bit open with her and explain what drove you to say those things, and how you have the extreme personalities and that you are trying to work on it. It would also be helpful it you try to find a way to let out your emotions, such as writing them out, drawing them, listening to music, reading, or talking to someone close, like her. If you need antoher person to talk to, you can always message me or Nikki. i think though if you apologize genuinely and openly to her like this and are fully honest with her, then she will forgive you given how nice she is. You will have to work on a way to prevent yourself from doing this again. i think finding a way to express yourself will help, but it might also help to train yourself not to speak until you think about what you are going to say first, when you are fightign. It is not easy, but if you can manage it you should.

Also, as i said, i will tell you what i do know can be helpful for anxieties and fears. Basically, the idea is to confront your fear so that you see it is not a bad thing. It is a gradual process though. So the first thing you do is construct a list from the situation that gives you the least social anxiety to what gives you the most. So it might start with just sayning hi to someone and it might end with being in an intimate relationship. It sounds like you can have conversations with some people, which is good, and of course, your list must be written by you and for you. Then you try to relax and put yourself in the first situation. Once you gain comfort with that situation, you move on to the next one and build your way up. If you tell your Friend that you are doing this, she might be able to help you too. Eventually, you will manage to overcome your anxiety more and more.

That being said, i would recommend getting a counselor to help. It would also show your Friend that you are committed to working on things. You seem like a really good person, and i really hope that things work out for you.

Posted at 10:41 pm on July 14, 2008

I think it's so important that you try and speak to somebody about this. I know you're terrified of people's reactions, but I think this has a lot to do with your social anxiety. I'm not a medical expert here, but have you been officially diagnosed or been given any kind of help for this? Going through life with any kind of disorder can be so, so lonely, and talking to someone can really help you.

I'm really, really proud of you for not committing suicide. Having those kinds of thoughts can be really overwhelming and it takes a lot of courage not to go through with it, so, congratulations. The arguments you're having with this girl are obviously taking their toll on you, and despite the fact she rejected you, it's clear that you still have some major feelings for her. I think it's important, however, that you try and give her some space. Even though you never meant anything you said, it's understandable that she's upset about it. Maybe you could write her a letter and give it to her before you leave on your trip? That would give her the chance to sort over her feelings away from you, which could really, really help her.

I honestly hope things work out for you. My inbox is always open if you ever need to talk about anything - good luck (:

Posted at 6:54 am on July 10, 2008