The parent-child relationship is a complex thing. It is important for each to try and empathize with the other. You as the child grow and as you grow, you gain more independence and are able to do more things on your own based on how you mature and in what way you mature in many different areas: physical, social, moral, intellectual, and emotional. On the other hand, the parent has total responsibility for the child and must keep them safe, fulfill their needs, and after these two things, help the child develop into a self-sufficient being in all those aspects. Your Mother is trying to fulfill this role and so the person you are trying to be, may seem to her to be a dangerous thing. The thing you need to think about then is this first: if i had a child, would i feel comfortable letting them doing this knowing that the consequences could be (insert what the consequences could be). For example, letting your child drink could lead to them being killed in an accident, raped, or mugged. Then, if you feel she is being unreasonable even given her parental duties, try to negotiate with her about it. Be specific in saying why it is not a problem given her duties. If you show that you understand her point of view, then she will be more willing to concede. The other thing to remember is that compromise is always better, because it will allow her to feel that she is still partially right and will make her more willing to negotiate with you in the future. If you wish to discuss more, you can always message me. i hope things work out.

Posted at 12:01 am on July 15, 2008

One of the main things that changes as you get older is the amount of Independence you have. When you were five, would you have gone out on your own? No. Would you have wanted to? It's likely not. Would you have bought your own clothes, made your own arrangements and controlled most things about yourself? No. Would you have wanted to? Even if you had, you probably wouldn't have been capable.

When you get older, though, you start to want those things and you also start to get them. Unfortunately, it's basically impossible for your parents to get it exactly right, so of course there's going to be some tension building up.

The key to solving things, I think, is in communication and negotiation. If you can get things out in the open between you, then  you can begin to resolve the issues.

What exactly doesn't your mother let you do? Is it specific things she won't let you do (i.e. no wearing clothes like this, no doing your hair like that) or is it more of a psychological thing where you just feel very pressured into being a certain way? It's difficult to give specific advice without knowing. If you would like to be more specific, then please either message me, make another ehelp or create a thread in the serious forum where you'll be able to discuss it with support leaders.

However, that doesn't help you much right this minute, so I'll try and give you some general advice.

If she's giving you concrete rules, then you need to try and move them. For example, let's say she says you're not allowed to wear certain clothes. Ask her: why not? After all, you can't do anything if you don't understand her motivation. Then you can start to make a compromise: for example, if she thinks a top is too revealing (I'm sorry but I don't know whether you're a lad or a lass), then you could arrange to wear it with long trousers, or with a vest underneath, so that it doesn't show as much, or only when you're going to be with friends and not when there are guys around.

If you feel psychologically pressured, then it's just up to you to stand up to her and make changes. If she doesn't like something you do, it doesn't matter: as long as she tolerates it, then that's fine. It takes a lot of guts to go against advice from people you love and it's difficult to make changes, but once you start to stand up for yourself, it gets a lot easier.

I can promise you that your mum isn't deliberately trying to restrict you from being an individual. She has other motivation. It's most likely either wanting to protect you or wanting you to stay as a child. Either way, that can't last forever, and now is the time for things to change. She's not your enemy! You two can work together.

Hope that helped! Like I said before, go ahead and PM me if you want, or otherwise post in our support forums and I'm sure someone will be glad to help.

-Fern

Posted at 7:39 am on July 11, 2008