I'm something of a loner, and I'll admit to that. I need time alone to think and recharge, and I'd rather (for instance) relax and watch a movie than go out to a club, but that doesn't mean that I don't want time with other people. I -do- feel most at ease when just relaxing by myself, but being alone is a constant reminder that I have nobody to trust. There's my family, certainly, and a loving family at that, but I've never had a steadfast group of girlfriends, for instance, or a boyfriend, or a confidant, or anyone with whom I could feel totally comfortable.

I don't know what it is. My friends from high school fucked me over before we even separated for college, and now I guess I see phoniness in everyone. I feel tolerated at best, like the last kid picked for soccer or the person reluctantly invited to tag along because someone feels a bit of pity. I feel like every look from another person is instant judgment, like I may just have a sign around my neck warning 'Don't get too close.'

I've tried making new friends, of course, both when I started at the university of my dreams and now, during a summer program with peers from across the country, but I feel like I'm missing that certain something that allows me to connect with other people.

I sometimes wish that I could be someone with no connections, no ties to people or to places or to ideas, free to go wherever and to do whatever strikes me in the moment. Sort of belong to the universe, you know. But that sort of a life, without family or friends or a home, I have to feel is no way to live.

I'm just barely nineteen, yet I can barely remember being ten, or thirteen, or sixteen even, so unmarked by... well, -anything- have these years been. And I just feel like maybe, at the end of my life, I'll find myself looking back on nothing. More of the same nothing. And what's the good in that, anyway?

I don't even know what I'm trying to say. I guess I just need someone to talk to. Thanks for letting me talk.

by no means am I a "clubber"

It seems like i've been waiting for something to happen for the past 6 years... but im not exactly sure what im waiting for. Time just passes and nothing changes

Post edited at 9:30 pm on June 21, 2008 by trxppy

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cut the skin to the bone
fall asleep all alone

It's such a numbing thing. I spoke to my mom on the phone today, and she, concerned, said something along the lines of, 'I just don't want you to be sad or lonely. You're not sad or lonely, are you?' But how can one not be, going about like this?

I've met an English guy since being in work this summer who, when discussing the differences between Britain and the United States, immediately observed that Americans -seem- incredibly friendly but will leave a person out in the cold when bored. How observant of him, yeah?

Maybe travel is in order?