why is this happening? (will also be an e-help) -- LiveWire Teen Forums

read, and help, somehow, i don't know how you can
why is it happening to me?
what are you doing to me? why have you chosen me to do this to? i don't know how to do what you are feeling.
what makes me so special? I'm not anything special at all.
I'm a stupid, imbecilic, worthless guy who hates his life.
a guy who wishes he didn't have to live anymore if it meant that he would be freed from this torment that I have lived. I'm sick and tired of living like this, it will never be the same, I want to end the hurt so bad, and all you do is contribute to it, and I know that you don't know what is going on with me. I'd rather not tell you, it would save you the worry.
Nothing ever happens the right way. Nothing ever goes the right way. Nothing happens even close to what I hope would happen. Nothing gets better. Everything gets worse internally. I've lost touch with the very feelings I used to feel for someone else. I detached myself from them, all they've done is cause me pain.
But between what happened, and all the other things, I remain suffering inside. I cannot believe that people
care about me, because I haven't experienced that.
I know I've cared for others, but I haven't felt really cared for.
Similar to that feeling called, "love", I can say I have loved, but never felt how it feels to have someone love me. I have never known what it was like, all I've ever associated love with, was people causing me pain.
I began to despise, to loathe the feeling entirely.
So I lived in despair and pain for a while, then I began to feel it again. But this would be the one person, who would completely ruin me. Because of all the crap that happened before, my emotions and feelings were fragile at best. this person did not know that, and did not matter to them, and who they are no longer matters to me.
It was just bad to worse.
That person finished what others had started. After that I had completely lost trust in any person. I lost the will to live.
I didn't want to live. I didn't want to feel the pain I was feeling anymore.
I didn't want to love anymore, because I couldn't stand it anymore. I do not believe it when I realize a girl loves me. I do not understand their motive, their reason.
I do not want to accept the fact that they do. But they will and they have continued to do so for the past while.
Sometimes, when it appears to be a deep feeling that they have for me, it becomes painful for me to even be near them, because all they are doing is reminding me of how I felt, or how I used to feel, and I want to get away, and it always looks like they want me to get closer. But I cannot do that. I cannot do it.
How could I possibly mean anything to you?
Yet, you have not really spoken to me much.
I probably said some things here and there, but you haven't really. I cannot be close to you. I cannot.
I do not trust any one of you. I don't accept that you appear to "love" or "care" about me, because I don't think you really do mean it. I don't think you do at all.
I can't just "feel better" because you "love me".
You know nothing of the pain I have felt, how many tears I have cried, how many times I wanted to die, how many times I've attempted, and then given up suicide.
How is you "loving me" going to make me feel better, when I cannot feel what you are feeling. I'm too detached from my feelings to return yours.
Then I'm told to try to reconnect to my feelings, how would that make me feel better?
I don't think it would do that at all.
Its been so difficult, I'm so fucking tired of this stupid shit. I'll never find anyone, anyone anyway.
I'm going to die. after a long miserable life spent trying to feel better, to feel something better than this.
I tried to find a memory where someone has said something good, but I don't think they meant that either. No one cares at all. No one has ever really cared.
No one does. Right now, I don't believe any of them do.
I have no one. There's no one I can speak to.
There are none to listen.
I have no support. I have no good friend anymore.
I have nothing. Battling this, has only forced me to stay numb. To keep from feeling. No matter if I battle something else, what would that matter?
There's nothing inside myself, it is only emptiness.
There are only miserable thoughts and experiences.
ohhh, what does it matter? what does this post matter?
why?...i don't want to type anymore.

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