Actual label instructions on consumer goods
1. On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping.
(and that's the only time I have to work on my hair.)
2. On a bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary.
Details inside.
(the shoplifter special?)
3. On a bar of Dial soap:
"Directions: Use like regular soap."
(and that would be how???....)
4. On some Swanson frozen dinners:
"Serving suggestion: Defrost."
(but, it's "just" a suggestion.)
5. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom):
Don 't turn upside down."
(well...duh, a bit late, huh!)
6. On Marks &Spencer Bread Pudding:
"Product will be hot after heating."
(...and you thought????...)
7. On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
"Do not iron clothes on body."
(but wouldn't this save me more time?)
8. On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:
"Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get
those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)
9. On Nytol Sleep Aid:
"Warning: May cause drowsiness."
(and... I'm taking this because???...)
10. On most brands of Christmas lights:
"For indoor or outdoor use only."
(as opposed to... what?)
11. On a Japanese food processor:
"Not to be used for the other use."
(now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)
12. On Sainsbury's peanuts:
"Warning: contains nuts."
(talk about a news flash)
13. On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
"Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."
(Step 3: maybe, uh... fly Delta?)
14. On a child's superman costume:
"Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."
(I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)
15. On a Swedish chainsaw:
"Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."
(Oh my God...was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)
How can you live without knowing these things?
1. Many years ago, in Scotland, a new game was invented. It was ruled "Gentlemen Only...
Ladies Forbidden" ... and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.
2. The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV were Fred and Wilma
Flintstone.
3. Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the US Treasury.
4. Men can read smaller print better than women can; women can hear better.
5. Coca-Cola was originally green.
6. It is impossible to lick your elbow.
7. The State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska
8. The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% ( now get this...)
The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%
9. The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $6,400
10. The average number of people airborne over the US any given hour: 61,000
11. Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
12. The world's youngest parents were 8 and 9 and lived in China in 1910.
13. The youngest pope was 11 years old.
14. The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.
15. The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.
16. Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history:
Spades - King David
Hearts - Charlemagne
Clubs -Alexander, the Great
Diamonds - Julius Caesar
17. A cute mathematical trick: 111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
18. If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the
person died in battle.
If the horse has one front leg in the air the person died as a result of wounds
received in battle.
If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.
19. Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, John Hancock and
Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't
added until 5 years later.
20. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?
Their birthplace
21. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name requested?
Obsession
22. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find
the letter "A"?
One thousand
23. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all
have in common?
All invented by women.
24. What is the only food that doesn't spoil?
Honey
25. Which day are there more collect calls than any other day of the year?
Father's Day
26. In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you
pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence
the phrase "goodnight, sleep tight."
27. It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the
wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could
drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period
was called the honey month... which we know today as the honeymoon.
28. In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts... So in old England, when
customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them "Mind your pints and quarts,
and settle down. It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's."
29. Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim, or
handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to
get some service. "Wet your whistle" is the phrase inspired by this practice.
30. At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow.
Wise thoughts on everything
1. Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
2. Life is sexually transmitted.
3. Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
4. Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection make him
a sandwich.
5. Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet
and they won't bother you for weeks.
6. Some people are like Slinkies... not really good for anything, but you still can't
help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs...
7. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing...
8. Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
9. All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
10. Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut
saves you thirty cents?
11. In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and
people take Prozac to make it normal.
12. Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that
it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
13. You read about all these Terrorists most of them came here legally, but they hung
around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10-15 years. Now, compare that to
Blockbuster; you are two days late with a video and those people are all over you. I
think we should put Blockbuster in charge of Immigration & Homeland Security
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There will be peace in the valley for me, some day
There will be peace in the valley
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