then i stopped again for 9 days, but restarted on a particularly stressful day.  my worst day i threw up four times.  i figure it's not as bad as it was a year ago when i quit (7-10 times a day) but its still not good.  its been 5 days since then even though i tried and couldnt make myself.

right now i'm really afraid of relapsing and getting back into it.  since i "restarted" i've had the feelings of me being fat/ugly again, and i actually believe it, and i know its not true and i don't really want to start again, but its like a switch has been turned on in my head telling me i should.  i want help, but i dont want to ask for help AGAIN after i 'quit' because i dont want to be a burden...

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I gotta go my own way.

What was it that made you stop last time? Think back to that time and how you got out of it. Because you can't let yourself fall back into this trap, no matter how strong the urge is. This is why I'm urging you to tell someone, who can help you, because you might not be able to do this alone.

We all have little relapses in our life, with any situation, but we have to get on with things and pick ourselves up from the ground and address any issues going on in our life, if we don't treat the cause of the problem, we are only going to find ourself in trouble again.

But at the same time, we can't let relapses be an excuse for getting back into bad old habits, it what our haters would love to see us do, fail. We have to prove everybody wrong and prove to ourselves that we are strong enough to pick ourselves up from the ground despite anything.

You might feel like right now that it could be so easy to fall back into bulimia, it might be easy, but its consequences are going to be alot harder to deal with. Is it really worth all the hurt and the pain? This is why you need to consider telling someone, because if you make yourself ill then your going to be more of a burden then than you are going to be right now.

If you don't feel like talking to anybody right now, find somebody online to talk to, because sometimes we can be our own worst enemy and put words into our heads like "fat" and "ugly", which I can assure you, you are not.

Don't go through this on your own, let someone help you, even if you think you have come through it this time, I'm sure you could use somebody to talk to about all the pain you have experienced this summer.

Things will get better if you give them time, stay strong and find someone to talk to, its obvious you want help, otherwise you wouldn't have posted on this forum.