9 months....

Count it.... 9 freaking long hard months that i haven't cut.

Constantly thinking of it but ever doing it.

After 2 years of cutting i quit for 9 months and know i fucked up.

Can you guess what i did.

Thats right after 9 freaking months i lost it an cut myself.

God damn it!!!!!

And now i want to keep going.

Why must i suck so much!!!!!

Im just so pissed with myself.

Way to not have self control.

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Get professional help if you think it's that much of a problem to stop.

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why would you need to go to hospital? :S
i dont think ud be on livewire if u needed to go to hospital. lol. and dont go to a cousilar.. waste of time in my opion!!

can i ask why u cut yourself this time?? what triggered you to slip up??

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i cut for a year then quit for around 6months and then did it once, tryed to quit again, dont let one day ruin 9months, youve done it once and you can do it again, maybe even longer this time,

why would you need to go to hospital? :S
i dont think ud be on livewire if u needed to go to hospital. lol. and dont go to a cousilar.. waste of time in my opion!!

can i ask why u cut yourself this time?? what triggered you to slip up??

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I went to hospital before. If i tell anyone then my parentals will put my back there...

I dont really want to go into it in depth but it was a couple things. Like just the pressures of life. The fact that my parents still treat me bad, the fact that im being replaced(my closet friend has a boyfriend, he and i were like sooo close and used to hang like heaps. Now i hardly see him cause he's spending all his time with his new friend. The thing is they aren't even going out.), also my grandfather died ages ago and i was only told a couple months ago and i think my dad( the person who i look up to the most in the world, who i aspire to be most like) hit my mum although i dont know for sure. And just memories of stuff that has happened to me.

And i also did it last night. To times in two days.

Thanks for trying to make this soming positive. I'll try to look at it like that but i'm still kicking myself for messing up.

The key right now is to not let this turn into a cutting "binge" of sorts.  I know that now you've broken the streak it would be easy to just get a little carried away with cutting, but try to get yourself back on track here....one day at a time.

You said you arent interested in going back to a hospital or involving your parents, which is totally up to you.  Is there a way you could talk with a school councelor?  That way you wouldn't have to wrap your parents up in it, but you could still get some professional help with this.  If you aren't intested in this, do you have a trustworthy friend that you could call when you feel the urge to cut again?  It sometimes helps to just have someone to talk to to take your mind of your impulse to cut.

As far as all the stuff you mentioned above goes, could you possibly talk to any of these people about this stuff?  It definitely sounds like you're going through a rough spot, but some of these issues I feel could be solved or at least improved with a bit of communication.  Have you talked to your friend about how he's treating you?  Or possibly to your parents about your relationship with them?  I know it is a lot harder than it sounds to do this, but maybe it would be worth it to try.  What's the worst that could happen?

I guess if you can't change anything going on around you, all you can really do is focus on what's inside, and like you said, stay positive.  Things might not be going your way today but they're bound to turn around at some point.

Just stay positive and stay focused on getting back to being free from SI.  Take it one day at a time and soon enough, you'll be back up to nine months (and beyond).  You can do it.

If you need to talk, vent, rant, whatever...feel free to PM me anytime.  I'd be happy to help take your mind of SI or help you get through a rough spot.  

Good luck with everything; I hope everything gets better for you.

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The old Lie: Dulce et Decorum est
Pro patria mori.

A Tribute to Livewire Excellence.

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Don't be so down on yourself! Going nine months without cutting after two whole years of it is an amazing accomplishment. I know it's frustrating that you relapsed, but don't let that spoil the sense of pride you should have for going so long without SI. Almost everyone relapses at some point, and there is no shame in it. It just means you need to pick up the pieces and start again.

The key right now is to not let this turn into a cutting "binge" of sorts. I know that now you've broken the streak it would be easy to just get a little carried away with cutting, but try to get yourself back on track here....one day at a time.

You said you arent interested in going back to a hospital or involving your parents, which is totally up to you. Is there a way you could talk with a school councelor? That way you wouldn't have to wrap your parents up in it, but you could still get some professional help with this. If you aren't intested in this, do you have a trustworthy friend that you could call when you feel the urge to cut again? It sometimes helps to just have someone to talk to to take your mind of your impulse to cut.

As far as all the stuff you mentioned above goes, could you possibly talk to any of these people about this stuff? It definitely sounds like you're going through a rough spot, but some of these issues I feel could be solved or at least improved with a bit of communication. Have you talked to your friend about how he's treating you? Or possibly to your parents about your relationship with them? I know it is a lot harder than it sounds to do this, but maybe it would be worth it to try. What's the worst that could happen?

I guess if you can't change anything going on around you, all you can really do is focus on what's inside, and like you said, stay positive. Things might not be going your way today but they're bound to turn around at some point.

Just stay positive and stay focused on getting back to being free from SI. Take it one day at a time and soon enough, you'll be back up to nine months (and beyond). You can do it.

If you need to talk, vent, rant, whatever...feel free to PM me anytime. I'd be happy to help take your mind of SI or help you get through a rough spot.

Good luck with everything; I hope everything gets better for you.

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I have tried to talk to these people. Like I've told mum about what she has done in the past and how it has affected me. It just feels like she keeps forgetting or isn't listening cause she keeps doing it... But yeah in answer to your question i have talked to my parents about it.

I cant go to a school councilor cause i finished school last year.

I have tried to talk to my friend heaps the last two days when i was sad... And well he just went to bed.. Both times.

The worst thing that could happen if i told my parents is that they would have she see a councilor again (Now your thinking that its a good thing but i you'd to get really worked up about it. I would cry and have panic attacks and more or less break down on my way to the appointment... That and the fact that it was a waste of time cause everything they (I've been to two) told me i already knew. Not trying to sound like a smart ass but because I've been depressed for years ... and cause of some of the stuff with mum if able to work most of the stuff out... I don't know how to explain it but as the councilor said i have an above normal understanding of the mind... Or at least something to that effect. Or they would put me in hospital... Seriously. I cut myself like real bad, almost needing stitches, did they put me in hospital... nope.... They put me in cause i wouldn't sleep for 1 night during which i got really worked up about.

I guess one of the main reasons why I'm so pissed with myself is that for about 7 months i haven't been depressed. Like i don't know it seemed like life was improving... i mean it did suck at points but it was slowly getting better. I wasn't always depressed and i wasn't crying all the time even when there wasn't a reason like before. I was actually happy. Content with life and actually wanted to see it through.

Then in the last 2 or so months I've noticed that I've been crying more...( Sorry this isn't making much sense. I've found that i used to cry randomly even if i wasn't sad... I would watch TV and something happy and great would happen and then for no reason i would just break down and cry.)  
Anyways that stopped for a while.. then it started back up... and now its to the point where I'm constantly on the verge of tears and now it seems that everything is breaking down around me.

I'm really scared. I don't want to be depressed anymore. After 6-8 years of depression and what ever i was actually happy and normal and now its coming back.