Was...depressing. It was the first real snowfall of the winter, I had to stay after school and by the time I left it was night. It was cold, and I was not dressed appropriately, as usual. It was dark, cold, and I was alone. I had plenty of time to think as it was five miles.
I realized, I am a monster. I am a horrible person. For years I've been telling myself that as a motivator, but tonight it really struck me. I finally understood what life was meant to be for me.
It's my punishment, for existing. Death is an escape, a luxury that I don't deserve. I'm not allowed to kill myself, because it would just prove how much of a miserable failure I was. I need to live so I can keep having good things in my life only to be taken away. I'm not here to be happy, I'm not here to find someone I love. I'm here to be alone, and suffer, and if I try hard enough to do something useful, I'll be rewarded with death in the end.
It all makes sense now. I am worthless, I am a monster, I am unfit to be happy. I need to try my best not to be, so I can escape this hell. Life is a burden, death is a gift, one that I am undeserving of.
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