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  LiveWire / Teen Forums / Short Stories & Poetry / Viewing Topic

You Can Count On Me
Replies: 3Last Post Sep. 4 10:04pm by ocdbabe
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( ocdbabe )


Wealthy Hobo
Reply
I changed it a bit...


I count the hours and the days
I count the minutes,
count the ways.
I count until there is no more
Continue counting,
A silly chore.
When he says he loves me so,
I count the lies
that I do know.
But in all truth I love him back
Truth be forgotten,
for truth I lack.


(Should it be 'a silly chore' or 'a pointless chore' or 'a lackluster chore' or should I say 'my' instead of 'a'?)


-------
If your heart were broken,
you'd be dead.


9:56 pm on Sep. 4, 2008 | Joined June 2007 | 136 Days Active
Join to learn more about ocdbabe Washington, United States | Straight Female | 3028 Posts | 4726 Points
TBMP


Dairy Product Addict
Reply
I count the hours and the days
I count the minutes,
the shades of grey.
I count until there is no more
Continue counting,
my worthless chore.
When he says he loves me so,
the truth is shown
as lies i know.
though in all truth I love him back
but Truth's a contradiction,
that's not intact


jus my take on it, take what u want leave what u dont ^_^

-------
imghttp://i13.photobucket.com/albums/a255/theproduct/sigs/vsigcopy.png/img


10:01 pm on Sep. 4, 2008 | Joined Sep. 2008 | 31 Days Active
Join to learn more about TBMP California, United States | Bisexual Male | 760 Posts | 1147 Points
californication


Enlightened One

Patron
Reply
Not bad, but I'mt not good at poems so I can't help you

-------
Anywhere you go let me go too -
Hide your face so the world will never find you
CUT MY LIFE INTO PIECES
THIS IS MY BOOK REPORT

10:01 pm on Sep. 4, 2008 | Joined May 2007 | 230 Days Active
Join to learn more about californication Madagascar | Asexual | 11761 Posts | 15641 Points
( ocdbabe )


Wealthy Hobo
Reply
Quote: from TBMP at 10:01 pm on Sep. 4, 2008

I count the hours and the days
I count the minutes,
the shades of grey.
I count until there is no more
Continue counting,
my worthless chore.
When he says he loves me so,
the truth is shown
as lies i know.
though in all truth I love him back
but Truth's a contradiction,
that's not intact  

 
jus my take on it, take what u want leave what u dont ^_^


Yeah, I'm not changing the whole thing. It actually has meaning to it. 'Shades of grey' doesn't convey that meaning all that well.

-------
If your heart were broken,
you'd be dead.


10:04 pm on Sep. 4, 2008 | Joined June 2007 | 136 Days Active
Join to learn more about ocdbabe Washington, United States | Straight Female | 3028 Posts | 4726 Points
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